A Narration
by Tonkswyrda
Summary: Sirius decides Remus and Tonks are in love... and he wants to narrate their relatioship, one bad analogy at a time. drabble serries.
1. Chapter 1: like a garbage truck

"Oh Remus, you're madly in love!"

Remus turned to Sirius, eyebrow raised. "What have you been sniffing?"

"Nothing, my good friend. But I couldn't help but notice how infatuated you are with dear Tonks. And I've decided I'm going to document every minute of your relationship!" Sirius looked like Christmas had come early.

"Ah… what relationship?" Remus was extremely unimpressed. Even if he did like Tonks, Having Sirius watching him like a hawk was just going to reduce any chance he had of doing anything with Dora. Even having a cup of tea would be impossible now.

"Don't you worry Moony, I shall write a long novel, and you can whip it out when your grandchildren ask how you met! And then ill be there to explain every tiny detail!" Sirius stared into space, drooling slightly. This wasn't going to be good.

"Right. Whatever. I'm going to go get a drink…" Remus left. Unfortunately, Sirius jumped to follow him down the stairs.

Remus stood at the kitchen bench, frowning. He had no idea how he could convince Sirius to go bother someone else without hurting his pathetic feelings…

"Wotcher, Remus!"

Tonks jumped up beside him, pulling a mug from the cupboard. "Hows your day been?" she asked lightly, smiling.

"He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up."

Remus and Tonks turned to look at Sirius, Tonks being extremely confused. "What?" she asked. Sirius shrugged.

"I'm writing a novel."

"Its going to be burnt." Remus growled, clutching his mug. Don't throw it, don't throw it…

"That's not very nice, Moony! Ill write that down to tell your grandchildren!" Sirius scolded.

"What grandchildren?" Tonks asked, still utterly confused.

"Yours. And Remus'." Sirius said, writing on a scrap of paper.

"WHAT?" Tonks yelled.


	2. Chapter 2: Stapled tongues

Tonks wasn't speaking to either of them now. Sirius had ruined any chance Remus might have had of asking her out at all. So Remus was giving Sirius the silent treatment too.

"Aw come on, the truth was gonna get out anyway! It was so obvious how deeply smitten you are about her!"

"I. Am not. Smitten. About her. Got it?" was the only thing Remus said.

Sirius looked hurt. "This epic novel isn't going to get very far if you never ask her ouuuuuuuuuuut!" he replied in a sing-song voice.

Remus rolled his eyes.

Tonks walked into the library, teetering under a large pile of books, and glaring like death at Sirius, before smiling at Remus.

"Hey Remus, could you help me put these away? I'm going to drop them all soon…"

"Of course!" he jumped up eagerly, pulling half the pile of books out of her arms and starting to replace them on the shelves.

"Look, I hope you're not taking what Sirius said in the kitchen the other day seriously… I think he was high, or something." He said quickly.

Tonks smiled sweetly. "Oh of COURSE I'm not taking him seriously!"

"Good." Remus smiled at her, then turned to the other shelf.

Something hard and heavy hit him over the head.

"OUCH! What was that for?"

Tonks was smiling savagely, holding a large copy of _A history of Magic_. "For even getting the idea into Sirius' head that we would EVER have grandkids."

"It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall." Came a voice from the other side of the room. They both turned around. Sirius had a notebook this time, and was scribbling furiously.

Clenching her fists, Tonks turned away from Sirius, who was grinning madly.

"There's no stopping him!" Remus muttered. "And I did NOT give him any ideas. He is insane!"

"Maybe a staple to the tongue would sort him out?" Tonks suggested casually.

"I've got a stapler. You staple, I'll hold him down?"

"Deal."


	3. Chapter 3: Maggots and Revenge

It was hailing outside.

Remus sat in the library, smirking every time he looked up- Sirius was sitting opposite him, and, having bored himself silly after making smoke rings with his wand for an hour, was now sticking his tongue out, trying to see if he could find the mark the staple had left. His eyes were crossed, and he really looked very ridiculous.

The door opened, and both Remus and Sirius looked over to see Tonks standing in the doorway, arms crossed, smiling sweetly.

"Sirius. How's your tongue?" she asked, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

With a face like a wounded puppy, Sirius pushed his chair back several inches, before sliding a notebook out of his pocket.

"You didn't think we'd actually do it, did you?" she asked gleefully, laughing.

Still looking hurt, he replied "Well, I wouldn't expect any different from you. You're mad! But Remus!" he looked deeply affronted. "I never thought you'd betray me like that!"

Remus rolled his eyes, snapping his book shut. "Call it what you will, but you brought it upon yourself, idiot."

Sirius shook his head, flipping the notebook open, turning the chair completely around so they couldn't see what he was doing. Raising her eyebrows, Tonks stood at the window.

"Wish it would stop hailing."

"Yes!" Remus jumped at the chance of a normal, unhindered-by-Sirius conversation. She looked slightly startled by his enthusiasm. "Err, I mean… yeah. It's annoying, alright. This place sucks."

"The Hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease."

Remus and Tonks both turned to stare. Sirius didn't notice.

"Right." Grabbing his arm, she turned Remus back round. "We need to do something about him."

Remus nodded, looking out the window. "This is a third floor window." He muttered.

She looked longingly over her shoulder. "Too abrupt. I want him to suffer."

"I've got more staples." Remus suggested.

She shook her head, sighing. "I'll think of something. You WILL help me get revenge, wont you?"

"Oh yes." Remus nodded so quickly he became dizzy. "Of course."

"Good." Smiling, she left, but not before shooting a death glare at Sirius' back, and miming shooting him with her hands, which she blew clear of smoke afterwards.

"Remus, I think I've got it!" Sirius said happily, a few minutes later.

"Got what?" Remus asked irritably. He had been thinking how long it would take to hoist Sirius out the window, and how hard he would have to throw him so as not to kill, but to maim, or seriously injure.

"The first sentence of your novel! Here, listen- 'He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the east river.' I think that's it. It's spectacular!

"Sirius." Quite serious, Remus walked over and put his hands on Sirius' shoulders. "If you don't quit it with this stupid novel, or matchmaking, or whatever you're trying to do... trust me, Tonks and I will personally throw you into the east river. We will apparate you there, and chain you to blocks of concrete, and throw you in. We would be doing the world a favour."

There was a pause, and Remus thought he had finally gotten the message through.

"Right. Okay. You don't like the east river analogy. No worries, I'll think of another one!" standing up cheerfully, unhindered by Remus' dark threat, he practically skipped out of the room.

This was not going to be possible.


End file.
